‘SORRY’ is said to be the hardest word, but if you think having to apologise is the most difficult thing, just you try “teaching” a four-year-old to do so.

Thereby lies the contention between my mother and I over my son. More than a few times, I’ve overheard her demanding that Raboy say “sorry” for something inappropriate that he’s done or said. Like clockwork, with bended head and corrugated brow, he’d mumble “sorry” even as he’s preparing to scamper off to the next piece of mischief. This irritates me to no end. Time and again I’d discuss this with my mother, explaining that one should never insist a child his age apologise when he obviously feels no remorse. Does he even understand the concept of being sorry? Invariably, she’d glare at me over the rim of her reading glasses, and exhort: “Hai-yah, you young people nowadays think you know everything. It’s never too early to teach a child manners. You are spoiling him rotten.” Still, I’ve stuck to my conviction that children Raboy’s age should be “shown” and not “taught” manners, that is, until his very irate deputy head of his kindergarten called me one very hectic afternoon at the office. It transpired that Raboy had been acting up of late. First, my true blue rebelrouser had organised and successfully executed a coup against his music teacher by stirring up enough support from his classmates to disrupt the class to the point where the hapless teacher had to seek external assistance from the headmistress’s office. Then, a week or so later, he had done the unthinkable: he stabbed another classmate, surprisingly, a boy to whom he’s very close, in the hand with a pencil. What bothered the deputy head was that, on both occasions, while the other children – his posse – had hung their heads low and apologised, feeling truly sorry for what they had done, my offspring had held his chin high, pursed his lips and refused to say that he was sorry. The shock in poor Mrs Tong’s voice palpable when she declared: “And he had no remorse …” That’s when the old horrible familiar feeling crept up on me. In a way, I was glad that he had not apologised – after all, he felt no remorse. Bad mother as I am, I was actually proud of him for standing his ground and being honest about his feelings, or lack thereof. On the other hand, it began to dawn on me that I might be raising a sociopath, incapable of remorse or consideration for others. Then again, is it that at that age, children are yet to develop the ability to feel remorse? That’s why it threw me for a loop when later that evening of my telephone conversation with Mrs Tong, tears welled up in Raboy’s eyes when I questioned him about what had happened in school. He never actually said “sorry”, not even to me, though he did say that he understood that what he had done was wrong, although it felt like a lot of fun at the time, and that he would not do such again. I don’t know if that can be read as remorse, but I’m hoping that it is the beginnings of that seemingly illusive emotion so integral to human interaction and harmony. But you can bet that I will be popping the champagne the minute Raboy shows any real remorse, although I’m not looking forward to the cause of him having to be remorseful. The day that he says “sorry” and really means it will be the day I heave a huge sigh of relief! - Woo Lyn, who has a Masters in English Literature from Canada, is sorry that she turned into an ‘Ugly Betina’ on the road two weeks ago …

Source: Malay Mail – May 29, 2008