TAN Kee Kwong has charitably invited his leaders in Gerakan to ‘go jump into’ the Klang River.

The good doctor, an exlawmaker for Segambut, was reacting to having being suspended from the party after he’d accepted a post with the oppositionled Selangor Government. But he was a humane physician who knew that the only danger faced by would-be jumpers-intothe- Klang-River was hookworm: you could walk on the water there and not be God. S. Samy Vellu was as partial to clichés as the next politician but shuddered at the thought of jumping into the Klang River because he knew diving into it would mean a bad hair day which he’d resolved to avoid like the plague because he had other fish to fry. He was a crisply coiffured politician who worked hard on his hairstyle because he took great pride in being the ex-Lion of Sungei Siput but drew the line at resembling the Lion King which he knew would happen with immersion in the Klang River. Once a leonine legislator, Mr Samy was now unemployed and depressed because a great calamity had befallen the Malaysian Indian Congress. The MIC had lost 78 per cent of its seats in Parliament, a catastrophe that the party leader blamed on ungrateful people called Hind-ruf- fians who actually blamed him for the community’s woes. ‘They are babes in the woods who are just beating around the bush,’ observed Mr Samy who never lost an opportunity to pound a phrase into complete catatonia. ‘Give me liberty or give me breath.’ The latter declaration was a clear and lucid nonsequitur and it reduced the Hind-ruffians to a puzzled silence which cheered Mr Samy no end as he was justly proud of his dazzling oratorical skills. Other politicians had to put fire into their speeches: with Mr Samy, it was just the opposite. The former Lion of Sungei Siput was a well travelled man who regretted the fact that he’d never studied Latin before visiting Latin America, the better to shoot the breeze with its natives on the importance of tolling all roads until the cows came home. ‘It’s my way or the highway, ‘ he boasted and it was yet another stupendous non-sequitur but the natives realised it was logical: untold wealth could never come through un-tolled highways. Mr Samy had been a Very Important Person and a highly capable minister who knew that no job was too difficult for the person who didn’t actually have to do it. He was also a free market economist who firmly believed there was no such thing as a free crunch which was why he felt people having accidents on his highways should at least pay for the privilege. It minimised congestion, he reasoned, and embraced car pooling so ardently that he’d car pooled with his chauffeur for years. He believed in good health and kept his medical fees down by eating three apples a day which he calculated would save him visits to 1,095 doctors a year. Ultimately, the secret of his success lay in avoiding sudden immersions in the Klang River coupled with a rigorous belief in the ef- ficacy of tolled highways. ‘Show me a highway without a toll,’ he said in a melli” uous mangling of metaphors, ‘and I’ll show you a popotamus which isn’t hip.’ It was enough to send you screaming into the night. S. Jayasankaran is the bureau chief of Singapore’s Business Times and can be contacted at sankaranjaya@yahoo.com

Source: Malay Mail – June 11, 2008