THE terengganu state government has come up with an excellent idea for creating female employment – exclusive waterfalls for women run by feminine managers and female security guards threatening enough to scare Heinrich Himmler. the state’s chief minister Ahmad said, who announced the stellar plan last thursday, said that “no man would be allowed” on the site. Mr Ahmad knew that men only went to waterfalls to ogle women because he was certain that a woman’s history was chiefly determined by her geography. It just showed the tortured terrain of his thinking but he was a practical man who knew that, as a leader, only one man in a thousand was a leader, the other 999 simply followed women. that was why women had to be kept separate and away from the males. “His” and “Hers” waterfalls were the way of the future and he advised tourists not to go “chasing waterfalls.” Now there was a chief minister who knew his thin Layer Chromatography. Moreover, separating the sexes at the falls was a good way to prevent divorce because Mr Ahmad had finally figured out that marriage was the leading cause of divorce. Bank Negara Malaysia thought that not spending enough was the leading cause of divorce and fretted that Malaysians who put a little away for a rainy century were not shopping hard enough which was why the economy was in terrible shape. People had become too demanding and that was why demand had dropped and it was absolutely hammering the economy “We know money can’t buy everything,” said the central bank reasonably. “that’s why there are credit cards.” Bank Negara wanted everyone to live within their budgets and beyond their means because it was the least any loyal, patriotic Malaysian could do. the central bank knew that it had to think positive but feared that wouldn’t work. It was being criticised unfairly for galloping inflation but they thought prices were merely cantering and counselled their critics to be patient. “Everything comes to a person who merely waits,” it said, quoting Disraeli. But its critics knew that the things that came to a person who waited may have been those left behind by those who got there first. there was no doubt about it. Prices were rising and money still talked but only to say goodbye. In fact, a plate of duck rice was so expensive that people were beginning to duck rice in favour of noodles. Actually, the cheapest way to go was to eschew meat altogether which sort of completed the picture, evolution-wise. Malaysians had finally fought their way to the top of the food chain to become vegetarians. Mr Ahmad shuddered at the thought because his favourite animal was steak but even he realised that a new accountability had crept over the nation. Many people now wished that the buck stopped here because they could use it. And death had taken on a new meaning: if there was a will, people now wanted to be in it. terengganu’s Mr Ahmad thought that people were panicking unnecessarily and advised them to grow their own vegetables because he’d heard somewhere that the leeks would inherit the earth. “time will tell,” he said sagaciously, “because time is the great teacher.” But no one believed him because they knew that, sooner or later, time killed off all its students.
• S. Jayasankaran is the bureau chief of Singapore’s Business Times and can be contacted at sankaranjaya@yahoo.com

Source: Malay Mail – July 23, 2008